This blog post originally began several weeks ago on a totally different topic, perspective. While I plan to get back to that at some point, I felt a strong need to pour out what’s been on my heart for so many weeks. Perfectionism.

My counselor recently brought to light that I suffer from perfectionism. I expect perfection, not of others, but of myself. It’s an internal battle I didn’t realize I’ve been fighting for a very long time. I must keep “it” together, present “things” exceptionally well, manage difficulties with strength and grace, make all the “right” decisions, and avoid emotional messiness at all costs (unless they start making Clorox wipes for that kinda thing).

As I type this, I realize how ridiculous it may sound. I mean, I know that I’m not perfect. No one is. I don’t do it consciously, I just have this subconscious “need” to be packaged neatly for others. To be uncomplicated and presentable. If you know even 1% of my life, you know it’s the exact opposite. It’s overly complicated and not something you’d exactly think of  proudly broadcasting to everyone. As much as I wish I didn’t, I care a great deal about what people think. Or rather, what I think they are thinking. Have you ever been there? Or are you in that place now?

Confession: Perfectionism is what has kept me from blogging since my first post in early February. I’d love to lay blame on lack of time and use the excuse of being a single mom of 2 who works full-time, but I’m here to be honest. The truth is I have the time but haven’t made it a priority. The pressure I was putting on myself to write something “perfect” about how imperfect my life is, was paralyzing. (And ironic – “lets see how perfectly I can present my imperfect life,” really Christine??) So I figured, if I couldn’t do it perfectly, well then I just wouldn’t do it at all. I realize how crazy this may sound to some, but I also believe there are others out there quietly suffering from this – Procrastinating because of perfectionism. I suppose it’s possible I’m the only one, in which case, this is a very humbling.

I am thankful I have come to a point in which I am able to acknowledge my perfectionism and admit it to others. But that’s only the first step. I created this blog to help others, but I think God also knew it would help me grow in so many ways. It’s pushing me to exercise vulnerability & imperfection-ism. Pushing me to get uncomfortable (which I most def am right now!) and not allow myself to be paralyzed in the process.

The irony here is that even as I’m typing, I’m struggling with thoughts like “There’s a better way I could say that”, “am I making sense to others?”, “should I say more?”, “I need the perfect Bible verse”. Everything in me wants to take hours and days to perfect my words and thoughts here. To effectively dissect a Bible verse. But God is speaking to me. He is saying that this post, in it’s “imperfect” state, is perfect. After-all, how I can go on and on about trying NOT to be a perfectionist, all-the-while trying to be perfect? It’s madness! So as much as it makes me cringe, I’m taking another step by embracing what’s flowing straight from my heart. I’m choosing to obey. I won’t even have someone proof read this for me (ah!)

In ending, I do want to leave you with a scripture I’m working through myself. Rather than give my thoughts on it though, I want you to read, think, and pray on what God wants to reveal to you through Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 12:5-10 (NIV).

“I will boast about [Jesus] like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

From the perfectly imperfect,

Christine