Vulnerability (n):  Capable of being physically  or emotionally wounded; Open to attack or damage (Merriam-Webster)

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Authentic (adj): True to one’s own personality, spirit, or character (Merriam-Webster) 

I like to pretend “Vulnerability” and “Authentic” don’t make me uncomfortable to the point of perspiring. If we’re honest with ourselves, the combination of these definitions isn’t exactly appealing; the possibility of being emotionally wounded, damaged or attacked while exposing my true self? Um yeah… no thanks, I’ll stay over here behind these “protective” walls I’ve built up over the years, it’s quite comfy!

Surely you have your comfy place too. You know the place within where you go to hide; not your physical body, but your heart.

I have been there, in that place of “comfort”, and still find myself drifting back there some days. Ironically, it’s not a comfortable place at all, but more like a prison cell in which we’ve become content with the conditions. Lack of vulnerability and authenticity took me to a place of emotional and spiritual isolation, a cave where I was shackled with fear and shame. My ability to connect with God and people on a deeper level was blocked.

If they knew how I used to be…

If they knew the things I’ve done…

If I admit I’m struggling with… 

If they knew I tolerated…

If they knew how messy and complicated my life is…

If they knew who I REALLY was…

I feared I’d be the topic of gossip, viewed as less, rejected, judged, shunned, etc. The enemy has a way of tricking us into believing that vulnerability means pain and rejection and that living in fear is a far better alternative.

But God says something different…

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)

You see, Satan is the enemy, and he will have us thinking all kinds of lies to keep us from living up to our potential and embracing a spirit of power. I first realized this in 2013, when I began attending Community Church (now my church family). One of our pastors at the time kept asking probing questions, wanting to know more about my background. In my state of “vulnerable-phobia”, I skirted his questions and of course was sweating profusely. Why was this dude pressing me to share a past I was less than proud of? Didn’t he know that if people really knew how messy my life was up to this point (and still was), they wouldn’t want me to be a part of their church family (FYI: any thoughts you have similar to this are LIES from the enemy). Four unplanned pregnancies, 2 children out-of-wedlock, excessive drinking & partying, abuse…  He sensed I was hiding behind walls of shame and said these words that I will always remember:

“Never be ashamed of your story. You never know how God will use your story to reach others” 

It had never occurred to me that MY story could be a game changer for someone else. No one ever told me this before and I wondered how much truth there was to it. My heart and perspective began to shift in a way that would change the trajectory of my life forever.

Shortly after, I was baptized and publicly shared a piece of my testimony of discovering God’s love for me and how I received His forgiveness for all that I had done. Several women approached and thanked me for having the courage to share. They had similar experiences and said it really encouraged them. In that moment, I experienced the truth of what the pastor told me and was so humbled that God used my story to touch these women.

Five years later and I am still on the journey of fully embracing authenticity and vulnerability. I’m far from perfect and still have my struggles (don’t we all?!); however, the more I grow in relationship with Him, the braver I’ve become.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s uncomfortable. But isn’t it also uncomfortable, even painful, to be uptight and guarded all the time? Having to lie, fake, and over compensate is exhausting and leads us down a path of darkness. However, in embracing authenticity and vulnerability you’ll discover FREEDOM, JOY, PEACE, and CONNECTION. There is light.

When we build walls to protect ourselves, we’re often caged ourselves in with the enemy. We become an easy target. Our naïve attempts to avoid the perceived dangers of vulnerability and authenticity make us a clear target for our enemy to attack. We end up emotionally wounded and feeling unworthy of love – the very things we try so desperately to avoid.

Which is why I’m here with you now. I’ve been through more “valleys” than I care to remember, but God has placed it in my heart that there are others who need to hear His story of victory in my life. There is someone who needs to know that God will not leave them in the trenches. Psalm 23:4 (NLT) says

“Even when I walk THROUGH the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.“

Dear friend, not only is he going to carry you through, but He’s going to bless you in the presence of your enemies!

God created you in a perfectly imperfect way to fulfill a unique purpose. A specific plan that only you can fulfill, with the people only you can reach. God knows we will fall short of perfection (i.e. sin) – but it’s in these moments that His grace, love, strength, and goodness can fill in the gap between who we are and perfection.

You see, authenticity and vulnerability aren’t just about our imperfections being exposed; but even more so, it’s about the power of the cross being made known. Christ died so that sinners (all of us) are forgiven and can stand perfect before God. Jesus loves us so much that he intercedes on our behalf so that we can have a relationship with God #reallove Despite our imperfections and circumstances, Jesus Christ will fill the gap of our shortcomings and overcome the darkness with His light. Every. Single. Time.

Silence the lies. Embrace yourself (flaws and all). Let Him fill in the gaps. ♥